The first time I saw,
Your eyes…
There was the void she’d left;
That dark cloud of grief,
Told me your Sun,
Now set,
Would ne’er rise at dawn.
Your smile…
Like a dead moon
Gives no light.
@)—>—>—
This is dedicated to a dear friend, who lost his wife some months ago and has since slowly gone down-hill in his grief, from one of the happiest men I’d ever met, he has withered to the shadow of who he was.
Written for Trifecta: Trifextra100 Challenge:
“This week’s Trifextra challenge. This week we are asking you to count syllables. And words. It’s a lot of math for those of us who might be more accustomed to dealing with words, but we’re confident you can pull it off.
We are asking for a 33-word response to the following snippet:
The first time I saw. . .
Here’s the catch: all of your 33 words must be one syllable each. We’re going low-brow on your this week. Or not. Can you class it up under these restrictions? Give us your best.
To clarify, we are giving you 5 words. We want another 33 from you, for a grand total of 38.”
This is so beautifully sad. I love almost all except for the “dead” moon. Most moon’s light is reflected, and I’m guessing you’re trying to say that your friend’s light is gone. So maybe a reference to a dark side moon, no longer reflecting his sun? (I know you don’t go back and edit, but this is just so good that I’d love to see a fix…)
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You are right, it’s a lack of light that’s there…and moon light is reflected light…as was in the end his light…now that she’s no longer there, his sun, his moon is dark…so maybe dark rather than dead…has to be a one syllable word 😉 thanks for your reflections Barb…I’ll look at it again.
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What would you think of either bleak or black moon…I would have used unlit…but alas, it’s two syllables 😦
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I’ve decided to write another poem…more complete and outside the prompt’s limits, you’ll find it here: http://poetscornerblog.wordpress.com/2014/01/14/for-carlo-a-dear-friend/
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May her soul rest in peace. This was magical…..truly beautiful tribute to her.
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yes, she was a very nice lady…
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This is very emotional and touching. When we lose our life partners, we can never be the same again, that last verse is so painstakingly true 😦
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Yes, as my friend is discovering 😦
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Sorry for your friend. Agree with everyone else about the poem.
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Thanks Charles..point is his wife passed on almost a year ago and he’s been going steadily down hill. No one really expected this hard of a reaction..
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I’ve met a few people like that. Very difficult to watch and interact with. I hope he gets better.
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Yes of course you’re right about that, and I hope he does too.
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This is wonderfully sad and well-written. I love the dead moon phrase, it reminds me of my teenage days reading Plath. I hope your friend finds joy. Thanks for linking up!
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It was my pleasure linking up as usual..lovely prompts you have. I too hope he is able to move on and find some joy in his life, though at his age, I guess it’s just not simple.
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This is beautiful, but sad, especially reading of your inspiration. I hope he is able to find happiness again.
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I do too, he is such a lovely sweet person, it’s sad seeing him just sort of dim out over the months, sigh.
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Not easy to say that a story of loss and grief is beautiful and lovely but, this is. When you write from the heart, your Love fuels your words and gives them an extraordinary power. This is, so obviously, the case here. Excellent, moving work! 🙂
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Thanks so much for you wonderfully sensitive comment.
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Sadly, I know that feeling you’ve reflected so well. The dead moon reflecting no light is just how it feels.
Tell your friend it gets better, but it takes a very long time.
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Thank you for your kind words, hopefully for him it will get better.
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This is at once sad and amazingly beautiful! Liked it a lot.
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Thanks Rexie!
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Powerful work.
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thanks …
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A profoundly gorgeous piece. Prayers for this man.
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thank you very much.
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Your piece became much more after I read your explanation… I wanted to cry for him.
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p.s. did you show him this poem? might help.
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He’s very difficult to see lately, as he’s often at his sister’s home, and rarely comes to our village. But even so, he doesn’t read English.
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thanks, it is so very sad
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