“When does love begin or end … is it something that has a beginning or end? What is this thing we call love. Do the birds love?”
She sat on the rocks looking out at sea and the gulls flying overhead, the turbulence that were her emotions resonating with the waves that lapped at her feet. She wondered if just walking away might be a solution to the problem that was her “love life” as she thought about the words she shuddered … “love life” seemed a misnomer for her relationship with him.
When they’d first met, he seemed another person, though thinking back she realized that he’d never really changed.
The problems began when his own expounded philosophy got in the way of his deeply egocentric personality. From the first “you have to find your talent, walk your own road – be yourself!” clashed abysmally with his real need to be followed and emulated, she should have realized that those words spoken had nothing to do with what was really being said. Of course, he believed every word he enunciated. The problem was that he believed them for himself alone and didn’t even realize it.
Now the blah – blah – blah of all his beautiful words echoed around her and she felt cheated. She now realized that she’d fallen in love with his ideals, his concepts that promised that wonderful state of being oneself with another beside you … perhaps if they’d never gone beyond ideals she could still imagine that here before her was an exceptional man. She’d never believed in the idea of melting into another to become a whole … maybe she was the defective element, maybe that’s what living with another person was all about. Could it be true, as he’d often said, that she was too individualistic – maybe she was the egocentric after all.
“What is love? Where does it begin, when does it end?”
She’d always detested the popular love songs that played endlessly on the radio … “I need you to need me” seemed to be at the base of all those songs. Need … The other favourite line: “I want you to want me”. Want …. Need and Want … babies need and want she thought, isn’t there something out there for adults. She wondered if it was possible to walk beside someone else without “each standing in the other’s light”*?
the tide rolls out leaving sand
© G.s.k. ‘15
*from The Thin Red Line