My name is Payne, Crystal Payne and I’m a private investigator.
I was sitting on my easy chair with Caesar sleeping on my lap one morning when the phone rang. I was 11:58, and I thought, wouldn’t you just know someone would call at lunch time!
“Hello! Crystal Payne’s Spirit Investigations, Crystal Payne speaking.”
“AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!” I had to pull the phone away from my ear and Caesar jumped down from my lap looking rather irritated.
Very expressive I thought, but said laconically: ” To whom am I speaking please?”
“I’m Sinthea Bratwurst! I need your assistance at one!” a woman’s voice said imperiously.
“Yes ma’am, if you tell me what your problem is, perhaps I can see if I can fit you in my schedule.” I said this simply because that’s how I react to imperious voices.
“I’m at the Ovaltine Theatre and there’s a being here who is ruining our rehearsals! You must come at once … we open in just a week and we’ve already lost one actor!”
“Rather distracted on your part, do you often lose actors?”
“What???” she sputtered.
“Sorry I was joking. Ok, It’s 12:03 now, I’ll be by after lunch at 1:00.”
“No, no, no! You don’t understand, this is really urgent! I’m afraid that the being has, well, inhabited our lead actress. She’s standing on the railing of one of the balcony seats reciting Lady Macbeth’s ‘blood on my hands scene’! I’m so afraid she’s going to fall. Of course we’ve put down some mattresses but…”
I had to admit that the situation did seem rather urgent so I said I’d come right away. Grabbing Caesar I ran down the stairs and got into my parked car ( a Primus) in front of my office-home.
At 12:28 we arrived at the Ovaltine Theatre where I saw a rather dishevelled young man standing at the entrance, obviously waiting for me, puffing away at an electronic cigarette.
As I opened the car door, Caesar jumped out and went up to the man, rubbing his legs. Of course he immediately calmed down, that’s one of Caesar’s powers. In the meantime I got my bag out from the trunk of my car. Lit one of my stock of camomile candles then followed Caesar.
“Oh thank heavens you’re here!” I’d been mistaken, this was Sinthea Bratwurst.
We went into the dark theatre and I noticed the young lady on the balcony railing wringing her hands. I went up the stairs to the balcony seats, Caesar with his bottle-brushed tail right behind me.
“Hello there, uhm madame.” I said as the actress turned to face me. I was not a little worried that she might go over backwards. I needn’t have worried though. I noticed that she was floating about 2 inches above the railing.
“Ah! So they’ve sent for help at last, the demons!” the actress said in stentorian tones.
Caesar meowed emphatically and I agreed with him saying: “Yes, do come into the box please.”
She complied as she couldn’t resist Caesar, but then began to whine:
“That I, the great Liliane Craptree, should have to be tortured daily by these clods! They’re destroying Shakespeare!”
“Excuse me, but weren’t you one of the great experimenters who put Shakespeare into music?” I remembered that back in the 30s there had been a troupe led by a certain Liliane Craptree. They’d had a certain success until she’d fallen off the balcony in one of her more dramatic recitals.
“Of course! But these people are rapping Shakespeare. Rapping!” she howled.
There’s nothing like a revolutionary who’s been outclassed I thought. This looked like it might be a little difficult. I had a telepathic consultation with Caesar.
“Ah, but it’s not the rap is that correct ma’am?” I asked.
“No! It’s that’ every other word is an F-bomb.” She said that it was the only thing she regretted. I too felt that an F-bombed Shakespeare was a bit much. I asked her to leave the actress so we could consult with Sinthea Bratwurst.
“It’s like this,” I said, “you won’t be able to put the show on unless you remove all the vulgarities from the play. Ms Craptree was a great artist and creator in her day and she can help you make this show a success. All she has to do is “inhabit” you for a couple of hours so you can consult together and clean up the verses.”
By 5:36 my job was finished and I went to have an early dinner.
“Macbeth Yo” was a huge success, hope you got your tickets before they sold out!
The Case of the Silent Bell – June 6, 2014
The Case of the Pigspittle Ghosts – July 7, 2014
Can I get the colector’s DVD edition (Blue ray, T-shirt signed by the actors, maybe a mug)?
Joke aside, amazing concept! Shakespeare and RAP??? Where do you come up with these ideas? Congrats with the amazing write!
LikeLike
Thanks DragonSpark! As soon as the gadgets are ready uyou’ll be the first to know! I like telling myself stories so I thought I’d fool around with a new character.
LikeLike
“Macbeth Yo” Hah. Lol. That made me smile.
LikeLike
Glad it made you smile!
LikeLike
Good write Yo. Really good. 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks glad you liked it!
LikeLike
Macbeth, Yo? Oh, my, my! Fun story! I wonder what the spirit of Macbeth would say? 🙂
LikeLike
watch out
for wowen
with ambitions
that push
for more wealth
thans good for
your health
leadin’ you
to destruction
with no compunction
’til the ghosts
walkthe ramparts
and she
wrings her hands
tryin’ to clean
the blood
she’s shed!
Yo!
LikeLike
Damn… I’d actually listen to that
LikeLike
😀
LikeLike
They go together like rap and Shakespeare could become the new saying. 🙂 Great story!
LikeLike
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!
LikeLike
really funny! great comedic take on the prompts
LikeLike
Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for dropping by!
LikeLike
Pingback: Yesterday’s Posts – July 9, 2014 | Bastet and Sekhmet's Library
Had a nice Robert B. Parker feel to it at the beginning and cruised right into the action. Would love a longer piece with Crystal Payne. Seems like the type that could find all sorts of interesting things to get into!
LikeLike
Thanks! I’ll have to look Robert B. Parker up! I’m thinking of making this a summer series. It’s fun to write.
LikeLike
Check out his Spenser series. Flowing dialogue. Stories usually start in his Boston office where he’s often paid in donuts. Quick reads with great wit throughout.
LikeLike
Cool I’m taking note. Thanks for the tip! 😉
LikeLike
Love the humour! And Shakespeare and rap – inspired 😉 A really cool and original interpretation of the prompt! 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks Celine! I’m happy you had fun reading the story!
LikeLike
Loved the voice, the almost silly, casual responses of your private detective. Matter of fact and supernatural all at once – I’d read another Crystal Payne, to be sure!
LikeLike
Thanks Brian! I’m Making Crystal my summer project, this is actually the third story I’ve written about her and there will be more in the future. Glad you liked the story!
LikeLike
Loving your Crystal Payne stories! They’re a blast — Shakespeare, Yo! I’d have a problem with the F-bombs too though. And I loved the humor — how she automatically “checks her schedule” when dealing with imperious people — priceless!!!! 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks Jen … now that I’m going to have a little more space in the future, I think she’s going to make a regular appearance, kind of a summer project. 🙂
LikeLike
That will be a lot of fun — fun for you to write, fun for us to read! 🙂
LikeLike
Hopefully … I just saw a photo that seems so suitable.
LikeLike
🙂
LikeLike
This is so delightful! I love the narrator’s voice and all the wild characters. And I would definitely get tickets to see “Macbeth Yo” – fabulous take on the prompts, Bastet! 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks Suzanne … glad you enjoyed the story! I think the tickets are all sold out though 😉
LikeLike
This was a fun read for me! I loved the flow, the concept, and the idea of F-bombs in Shakespeare. That made me a bit giggly at the very notion!
LikeLike
Yeah! Glad you enjoyed it Kathy! Crystal Payne is going to become a summer series here on my blog,
LikeLike
Fun read! Looking forward to more of Crystal’s adventures 🙂
LikeLike
Glad you enjoyed … and there will be more here on my blog … she’s my summer writing project! 😀
LikeLike
My friend is a university professor of Shakespeare and I have seen his reaction to unconventional approaches to the Bard’s work. Your satire of it is spot on, Bastet!
LikeLike
Thanks … happen to know a couple of profs myself who’d be in worse shape than my ghost … glad you enjoyed the story!
LikeLike
Macbeth Yo’. Haaahaaa. This was hilarious, Bastet. Love the character names and Caesar. Great job.
LikeLike
Thanks Meg … stay tuned .. Crystal and Caesar are my summer project!
LikeLike