Samara Ennui – Haibun – November 6, 2018

 

I’m writing, doing what I’ve always dreamt of doing, I’m enthusiastic, I feel revitalized.  People are reading my work, liking it and giving me great suggestions that help me better my work, I feel part of a community … and then I don’t.

Sure, I’d had some bad moments recently in my life, but I kept up my writing and my photography kept on going but at a certain point, for no apparent reason, I found I hadn’t turned on my computer for months.  What happened?  Why did I stop?

I’ve always been a pretty creative sort of person, although not a creative genius.  Since I can remember I’ve always passed hours enjoying my painting, drawing and writing.  I easily pick up skills, I’m a quick study as they say, so I had no problems learning how to sew, crochet, sculpt, cook or whatever else came my way including learning anatomy and acupuncture meridians and points.  But, and there’s a big but, since puberty, I periodically go into more or less long periods of ennui.

I slip into a sort of limbo, where nothing seems very important to me at all.  I pass hours (days at a time) reading or watching TV series.  I do get out of bed because I abhor an unmade bed. I eat whatever is at hand (usually nothing particularly healthy) just as long as it’s quick and fills me up.  I don’t live in chaos, my house though not spotlessly clean is fairly orderly, I make sure of that because I hate being in a messy dirty place.  I drift through life, doing the minimum necessary to get through the day. Fortunately, as I’ve grown older, self-preservation has guaranteed that I keep a life-line open to the outside world.  I do have a couple of friends with whom I never lose contact with completely.

Then one day, something changes … I take a look at myself and my life and a tiny spark glitters.  It may take weeks or months but I become constantly more dissatisfied with drifting.  I realize that I’ve become overweight, that I haven’t done much of anything interesting for a long time, that I’m bored with my books and the TV.  I start looking into diets and exercise (just looking). I get the urge to write or sew myself a new outfit or paint a picture (just the urge).  I become frustrated and panicky. Then the looking around becomes watching what I eat and going for walks, joining a dance class and bicycling.  The urge becomes turning on the computer, looking through models for a new outfit, and choosing a great piece of material.  Usually at this point  my life has started to move again.

I don’t really know why this happens to me.  I’ve gone through analysis, I’ve meditated, I’ve had great mentors throughout my life who’ve stimulated me giving my life a sense of meaning … for a while anyway.  But eventually, there it is, the chasm of ennui into which I slip (not fall) and the cycle begins again. The drifting isn’t painful and I don’t even feel bored.  It’s when I move on, when I become aware that maybe there can be more to my life than books and TV,  the awakening, which is the painful part, fraught with anxiety and impatience to move on.

Have you or anyone you’ve known gone through this sort of thing?  I’d like to read about it, so please leave comments below and let me know.

winter snowflakes
passion gives way to
spring dawn
a never-ending cycle
my Samsara ennui

 

 

Just A Note: Cookies and Net Neutrality- December 19, 2017

Hello,

yesterday I was looking at my dashboard and saw a voice I hadn’t seen before under settings (I’ve been off-line for a while 🙂 ).  I thought that that was a good fight to fight but one of my readers sent me an e-mail stating:

I tried going to your site – through my email, but I couldn’t get in. Two things, one a cookie policy popped up. I’m not a fan of cookies. I hadn’t seen that before at your place. And two, the ‘Net Neutrality’ wouldn’t let me in unless I chose ‘The Make It Stop’ button to make the ‘yep still loading’ message go away. If they were going to ask for a donation… well I don’t make any donations online.

One: more or less a year ago the European Parliament voted that all websites which have cookies must declare them – our posts on Blogger, Tumbler, Twitter, WordPress etc. (including probably Facebook and who knows what) all distribute cookies.  It may be an exercise in the obvious, but people must know that you are giving them cookies with your poetry ect. (and I think my reader didn’t realize this).  If the banner isn’t on your site you can be blocked and/or fined.  That’s why you see the cookie policy notice on mine and other people’s blogs.  If you create your own site from scratch, you can probably avoid distributing cookies .. you probably won’t because if for no other reason you’ll want to know how many people drop by your site.

Two: about the Neutrality button, it is not a request for a donation … it’s to demonstrate of what could happen if the FCC repeals the Net Neutrality rules thus favouring big business, in the sense that loading times for our little sites could become very long. I live in Europe, but we all know that even the rest of the world is affected by what happens in the States and this would be a very bad change indeed for us all.

Below is the voice in  “Settings” on your dashboard “Fight For Neutrality” .   BTW I myself haven’t seen the effects of the protest button and hope there is no inconvenience for people who wish to stop and comment …. if so please let me know

In the meantime, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Fight for Net Neutrality

The FCC wants to repeal Net Neutrality rules. Without net neutrality, big cable and telecom companies will be able to divide the Internet into fast and slow lanes. What would the Internet look like without Net Neutrality? Find out by enabling this banner on your site: it shows your support for Net Neutrality by displaying a message on the bottom of your site, and “slowing down” some of your posts. Learn more about Net Neutrality

Screenshot

Protest Enabled?

Christmas Mummer – December 18, 2017 (tanka)

eventide
waltzing through the street
winter mummers*
twirling golden fairy lights
one for every season

gsk ’17

 

Mummer definition, a person who wears a mask or fantastic costume while merrymaking or taking part in a pantomime, especially at Christmas and other festive seasons.

Fish in the Snow – December 15, 2017

Floating Fish in the snow

Winter came early for us in the Lake Valley of southern Trentino.  Because of the Lake Garda’s microclimate we usually only see snow around mid January, if then.  The other morning the sky was heavy and what looked like fog was actually snowfall.  It snowed the whole day through changing our autumn suddenly into winter.  As I looked out towards the courtyard in front of my house, my fish wind chime began to tinkle and I imagined a world with floating fish.

December
cold grey morning sky
first flakes fall
ice crystals
softly blur my world from sight
hills of snow – growing

Silence grows
as snow flakes gather
transforming
humdrum scenes
into something new – special
never seen before

In that morn
of cold December
suddenly
in silence
a fish floated in the snow
outside my window.

gsk ’17

 

 

 

 

November 21, 2017 (haiku)

 

spring snowdrops
(now loam feeding worms)
winter’s memory

gsk’17

inspired by:

With Earth’s first Clay They did the Last Man’s knead,
And then of the Last Harvest sowed the Seed:
Yea, the first Morning of Creation wrote
What the Last Dawn of Reckoning shall read.

© Omar Khayyam (Tr. FitzGerald)

Carpe Diem Haiku Kai

Poet’s Corner

 

For B&P’s Shadorma and Beyond – Dedicated to Dylan – October 26, 2016

This week when I went to see what Paloma had decided to write about on Mindlovesmisery’s Menagerie I was delighted to see she was asking us to write a shadorma or series of shadorma inspiring ourselves from Bob Dylan who this year  was awarded the Nobel for Literature 2016.

Listening to his music once again brought me back to my adolescence.  I was not a bright and chirpy teenager I’m afraid.  Due to my personal problems with my parents I’d turned towards the darker side of life, the futility and hopelessness of a world without reason and love at least so it was then in my mind.  I would sit for hours, music full blast in a candle lit room listening to the angry and often obscure lyrics of the music of my age …  Bob Dylan was one of my favourites with his flat smoky voice and gut moving lyrics.

 

Things Have Changed
A worried man with a worried mind
No one in front of me and nothing behind
There’s a woman on my lap and she’s drinking champagne
Got white skin, got assassin’s eyes
I’m looking up into the sapphire tinted skies
I’m well dressed, waiting on the last train
Standing on the gallows with my head in a noose
Any minute now I’m expecting all hell to break loose
People are crazy and times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I used to care, but things have changed
This place ain’t doing me any good
I’m in the wrong town, I should be in Hollywood
Just for a second there I thought I saw something move
Gonna take dancing lessons do the jitterbug rag
Ain’t no shortcuts, gonna dress in drag
Only a fool in here would think he’s got anything to prove
Lotta water under the bridge, lotta other stuff too
Don’t get up gentlemen, I’m only passing through
People are crazy and times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I used to care, but things have changed
I’ve been walking forty miles of bad road
If the bible is right, the world will explode
I’ve been trying to get as far away from myself as I can
Some things are too hot to touch
The human mind can only stand so much
You can’t win with a losing hand
Feel like falling in love with the first woman I meet
Putting her in a wheel barrow and wheeling her down the street
People are crazy and times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I used to care, but things have changed
I hurt easy, I just don’t show it
You can hurt someone and not even know it
The next sixty seconds could be like an eternity
Gonna get lowdown, gonna fly high
All the truth in the world adds up to one big lie
I’m love with a woman who don’t even appeal to me
Mr. Jinx and Miss Lucy, they jumped in the lake
I’m not that eager to make a mistake
People are crazy and times are strange
I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
I used to care, but things have changed
Bob Dylan
Everything changes and sometimes that’s for the best and sometimes for the worse … but usually  it’s just what it is…  here’s my attempt at a shadorma (3/5/3/3/7/5) based on the above lyrics of one of Dylan’s more recent songs (2009).  I’m not quite the same as I was in the 60s and can’t really get into that darkness … but oh well … there’s worse things that can happen:
The change of a Phoenix dying

time’s passin’
and when I look ’round
ideals gone
fires quenched
inside the secret mirror
well, everything changed

no lost loves
full of brave new words
time just passed
leaving me
dry-eyed and disillusioned
with my should have beens

time drifts on
getting through a day
imagining
a new way
without hurting, pain and you
just floating along

illusion
change that isn’t change
antique pain
obsolete
weeds – grown in a potter’s field
over my childhood grave

everything
seems to change but me
loneliness
craziness
hidden in this music box
filled up with truth’s lies

maybe love
(that illusive flower)
and ideals
have a place
in this crazy wonderland
of amazing grace

let me fly
(though you can ask why)
just because
I was born …
and now everything changes
as the Phoenix dies

© Gsk ‘16

It seems to me whilst I’m listening to Dylan’s music that his subject matter hasn’t really changed all that much throughout his life – his songs are often about his perception of the dark side of life.  Here he isn’t speaking of masters of war or walking around a watchtower that is life but it’s still the desperate insight into life itself,  this time growing older and losing ones ideals to a reality painted without hope, where one doesn’t care,  where one is easily hurt but hides it and hurts others without being aware of doing so.
Here’s another of my favourites –  Mr. Tambourine Man to take us onto another trip 😉 the music is bright and peppy but if you think this is chirpy song … think again, here are the LYRICS.