Samara Ennui – Haibun – November 6, 2018

 

I’m writing, doing what I’ve always dreamt of doing, I’m enthusiastic, I feel revitalized.  People are reading my work, liking it and giving me great suggestions that help me better my work, I feel part of a community … and then I don’t.

Sure, I’d had some bad moments recently in my life, but I kept up my writing and my photography kept on going but at a certain point, for no apparent reason, I found I hadn’t turned on my computer for months.  What happened?  Why did I stop?

I’ve always been a pretty creative sort of person, although not a creative genius.  Since I can remember I’ve always passed hours enjoying my painting, drawing and writing.  I easily pick up skills, I’m a quick study as they say, so I had no problems learning how to sew, crochet, sculpt, cook or whatever else came my way including learning anatomy and acupuncture meridians and points.  But, and there’s a big but, since puberty, I periodically go into more or less long periods of ennui.

I slip into a sort of limbo, where nothing seems very important to me at all.  I pass hours (days at a time) reading or watching TV series.  I do get out of bed because I abhor an unmade bed. I eat whatever is at hand (usually nothing particularly healthy) just as long as it’s quick and fills me up.  I don’t live in chaos, my house though not spotlessly clean is fairly orderly, I make sure of that because I hate being in a messy dirty place.  I drift through life, doing the minimum necessary to get through the day. Fortunately, as I’ve grown older, self-preservation has guaranteed that I keep a life-line open to the outside world.  I do have a couple of friends with whom I never lose contact with completely.

Then one day, something changes … I take a look at myself and my life and a tiny spark glitters.  It may take weeks or months but I become constantly more dissatisfied with drifting.  I realize that I’ve become overweight, that I haven’t done much of anything interesting for a long time, that I’m bored with my books and the TV.  I start looking into diets and exercise (just looking). I get the urge to write or sew myself a new outfit or paint a picture (just the urge).  I become frustrated and panicky. Then the looking around becomes watching what I eat and going for walks, joining a dance class and bicycling.  The urge becomes turning on the computer, looking through models for a new outfit, and choosing a great piece of material.  Usually at this point  my life has started to move again.

I don’t really know why this happens to me.  I’ve gone through analysis, I’ve meditated, I’ve had great mentors throughout my life who’ve stimulated me giving my life a sense of meaning … for a while anyway.  But eventually, there it is, the chasm of ennui into which I slip (not fall) and the cycle begins again. The drifting isn’t painful and I don’t even feel bored.  It’s when I move on, when I become aware that maybe there can be more to my life than books and TV,  the awakening, which is the painful part, fraught with anxiety and impatience to move on.

Have you or anyone you’ve known gone through this sort of thing?  I’d like to read about it, so please leave comments below and let me know.

winter snowflakes
passion gives way to
spring dawn
a never-ending cycle
my Samsara ennui

 

 

Christmas Mummer – December 18, 2017 (tanka)

eventide
waltzing through the street
winter mummers*
twirling golden fairy lights
one for every season

gsk ’17

 

Mummer definition, a person who wears a mask or fantastic costume while merrymaking or taking part in a pantomime, especially at Christmas and other festive seasons.

November 21, 2017 (haiku)

 

spring snowdrops
(now loam feeding worms)
winter’s memory

gsk’17

inspired by:

With Earth’s first Clay They did the Last Man’s knead,
And then of the Last Harvest sowed the Seed:
Yea, the first Morning of Creation wrote
What the Last Dawn of Reckoning shall read.

© Omar Khayyam (Tr. FitzGerald)

Carpe Diem Haiku Kai

Poet’s Corner

 

An evening walk – A Story in Waka – October 16, 2016

An evening walk – A Story in Waka

crossing Arco’s bridge
the gloaming paints the clouds
three broken street lamps
add to the skyline etching
how lovely shadows can be

cars whiz past
still the geraniums bloom
on the bridge railings

crossing the road
under shadowy clouds
through rushing traffic
how unlike the river Sarca
this modern flow of steel

under pools of gold
from lamplight to lamplight
this road leads home

the dark path

ahi – noisy dog
jumping and barking loudly
behind closed gates
whether challenge or welcome
it goes unheeded

old stone wall
silently guides lone footsteps
up this moonlit path

the stream is silent
under the wooden bridge
despite morning rains

Bolognano
the church bells strike eight
as I enter town
light spills from closed windows
bodiless voices drift by

I unlock my door
a cautious cat looks on
just beyond my reach

© Gsk ‘16

bare limbs – haiku – October 1, 2016

bare tree

morning haze
caressing these bare limbs
beside the lake

Gsk ’16

Carpe Diem #1069 leafless trees – inspiration offered by Jane Reichhold’s series of haiku:

from the wind
the flute lesson
of a bare tree

wood smoke
shaping the radiant bodies
of trees in winter

in the clearing
hovering a circle of trees
their halos

© Jane Reichhold

 

Autumn Afternoon in Padua – September 29, 2016

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a sunny day
this short parenthesis
of autumn
before we pick up
our lives

© Gsk ‘16

questa giornata
questa breve parentesi
d’autunno
prima di riprendere
le nostre vite

© Gsk ‘16